Friday, July 24, 2009

2009 07 24 More Vampires in White Coats

The crowd of white coats showed up and hovered around my bed. They talk amongst themselves as if I am not here.

So I roll my eyes up to the top of my head, allow my tongue to fall out of my mouth to one side, then slump over, like I've just died.

They keep talking and ignoring me. One absentmindedly feels for a pulse. Another puts his stethoscope to my chest. They continue to chat as if I am not here but I really am alive.

GOOD NEWS!

I've commandeered a wheel chair now. It's the ticket to my freedom. I covet it and keep it parked by my bed. I am thrilled. It's freedom! So far I've made 18 trips to the bathroom down the hallway.

It's the only place they let me go.

But secretly I am studying the layout of this place and asking questions and planning to escape these vampires.

The white coats said my improvement has been much slower than they thought.

Well, DUH, let's see:

Every time I doze off someone wakes me up, so I get very little sleep.
At night I am given this awful drug to remove water and make me pee a bunch, hence the 18 trips to the bathroom. Doesn't that flush out all the other drugs? Hmm...

At 5am while sound asleep the nurses turn on 1200 watt lights and commence with complete physicals making a clamorous noise that makes everyone grumpy

Today I put a sheet over my head, much to their amusement.

Breakfast comes 3 hours after this ordeal. Today it had a chunk of Spam and thick white goo instead of watery goo. I ask the dietitian what it is and she says "It's cream of something, put sugar on it, it'll taste fine." and she briskly walks away.

Did I just hear her say "cream of something?"

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