If you read my book: "Hurricanes & Hangovers" then you read "My First Murder".
Did you really think I would stop at just one?
So yesterday we had dropped my heap of a jeep off to get a muffler repair, so I could once again drive in stealth mode. Running out of errands, we ended up at my home again. It was just so dang HOT.
So hot that I refused a hit job, instead calling around until I found another assassinator to do the dirty work. That is how HOT it was. Sure, I helped him out, lead him to the quarry, and even watched him complete the evil deed. After all I had to make sure the scoundrel was DEAD.
I shall explain.
My girlfriend who had picked me up at the jeep repair, and I, now sat under the fan, sharing icy cold drinks and chatting at my dining table. At some point I got up to go use the bathroom off my bedroom. There in the corner, just before the bathroom, in the shade on the cool ceramic tile, laid my tabby cat, all stretched out and looking rather smitten. I was barefoot, (mermaids grow feet if they are out of the water too long) so I tickled his belly with my toes and this tabby can actually smile.
The only cat I have that can smile.
He put a smile on his face and stretched out even further, looking very comfy indeed. He batted his eyes at me, then closed them again, looking very comfy to be inside his home, with his mistress around and taking a lazy snooze on a very hot day with a self satified smile plastered across his furry face.
I did my thing in the bathroom and as I walked passed him again, I stroked his soft silky fur with my toes again. He let out a contented purr, stretched out even further, and looked extremely comfortable, settling down for a much needed nap on a very hot day.
I returned to the dining table and was about to sit down when this blur traveling at about 60mph flew by me, about a foot below my face. My startled friend said "What in the heck was THAT?"
I had jumped at the sudden movement, wondering where this speed demon of a bird had come from. It had gone right to left, about three to four feet off the floor and originated from my bedroom. So I naturally looked back at my bedroom. Where my sleepy smiling cat had been stretched out in utter comfort was now a huge brown snake.
I screamed. Rather loudly, I might add. My friend jumped up yelling "WHAT? WHAT is it?" I screamed again and pointed. I finally answered in a very high pitched voice "SNAKE! It's a SNAKE!" and my shaking arm pointed at the offending creature.
Now I've read from the experts, that your average house cat can run upwards of 30 miles per hour. I do believe my cat shot off the floor like a cannon and flew by me going about 60mph and rapidly exited the open front door (not to be seen again until late last night.)
Now my friend saw it too. She echoed me by jumping up to get a better view and bellowing "SNAKE!"
We watched in horror as it wiggled around. I cried "WATCH IT! While I get the broom and dust pan!"
I ran around looking for the broom and long handled dust pan, (that I had last swept up a dead bird with, but that's another story...) I came back and ran in the bedroom but the snake was GONE!
I looked back at my friend "WHERE did the snake go?"
"I don't know! It just slithered away, either into the bathroom or into the closet." I looked and for some absurd reason, the closet door was open an inch. Just enough for a very long brown snake to glide through.
"Why didn't you watch it?"
"I did!" she answered "And it wiggled away!"
I came back to the dining table and sat down. I stared where the snake had been. "What if it's under the bed?"
"No." she answered, "I would have seen it, if it had gone under the bed!"
I sighed. I may have evn rolled my eyes.
She got up.
"Cone on, let's go look for it. "
Like two foolish school girls we walked very uncertainly back into the bedroom, jumping and screaming every few seconds and we could not find the snake. My friend was brave enough to peek in the bathroom for all of half a second and announce she couldn't see him.
We rapidly ran back to the dining table.
"I know what!" she says. "Let's go to lunch and we'll deal with it when we come back!"
"Are you crazy?" I implored "Come home to a live snake SOME WHERE in my house?"
"How did it get in?" she asked.
"Hell if I know!"
We silently looked around at all the tightly screened in windows and then focussed on the open front door.
"There is no way that snake came through the front door while we sat here."
It's a mystery how he got in, but I could tell you one thing, if I had my way, he was leaving DOA (dead on arrival).
I drained my iced tea and mopped sweat off my face with a cloth napkin.
I picked up my cell phone and called a male friend who lives and works near my neighborhood. He answered and was very cordial until I asked him if he could come over and help me find a snake in my bedroom and murder it.
"NO! I don't do snake!" he laughed very nervously and said "I am sorry. But I just don't do SNAKE!"
We hung up.
I poked through my phone and called another macho male that might be working nearby.
"SNAKE?" he says "Just spray some Baygone in the bedroom and leave, maybe that will kill it. But um, I don't do snake hunting. Not me, No way."
Note: Baygone is the local bug spray, and unless you unleashed a whole can in the face of the snake, I doubt it would kill it.
I thanked him for his time and hung up.
My friend and I looked at each other. She got up and made herself a stiff drink and offered me one which I declined. Then on second thought, I got up, rummaged around and found a bottle of brandy. I poured a shot glass for myself and slowly slurped it.
I scratched my head and said "I know who will come!"
I reached my lady friend on the phone and after exchanging pleasantries, I asked her if by chance if her husband would come hunt down a nasty live snake in my bedroom and murder him for me.
She giggled and said "I am sure he would! Here is his cell phone number, he is working across the bay from you! Just call him up."
So I called him three times, every minute or so and kept getting a recording.
I called his wife back and she said "Let me call his boss."
A few minutes later, I heard the sweetest music to my ears. The phone rang and my friend said "He will be over right away and take care of that for you!"
Barely 3 minutes later, her husband was at my door laughing, saying he heard I had a PROBLEM.
We recapped the story to him and he was armed already with a long stick that looked like he had sharpened it at the end with a pocket knife. I grabbed my dustpan and broom. I followed him into the bedroom and we began literally poking around looking for the snake. He checked the bathroom then opened the closet door. I had just poked a basket in the floor and it moved and I could suddenly see 2 inches of brown snake.
I screamed "THERE he is! Kill him!"
My friend whipped around while I made a hasty retreat and then pointed at the basket in the floor. "He's under THERE" I whispered, as if not to tip off the snake we were on to him.
"You want him KILLED?"
"Of course I want him killed! If he wanted to live he should have NEVER set foot in my house, terrifying my cat and me and my girlfriend!"
My friend poked around with his weapon. Suddenly we had over four feet of angry snake whipping around the floor looking for an escape.
"It's BIG!" my male friend yelled. "I thought you meant an itty bitty snake like this!" and he holds his hands about six inches apart.
"This thing is 4 to 5 feet long!"
"Yep!" I answered him.
By now, he had engaged the snake in an angry fight, which resulted in a lot of blood splattering around my floor. I handed over the long handled dustpan and my friend swept up the snake with his bloody stick.
He walked it outside to the patio, where he beat it up some more, to make sure it very dead. Then he flung it off into the woods.
Somberly, we walked back inside and I served iced tea. We sat around laughing and joking and I opened up my purse and pushed the assassination fee towards my friend.
He refused it! I said, "Well you must have missed work, leaving this early and all."
"Well, he says, I told my boss what I had to do for you and she said GO! So I won't get docked for being here and I can't charge you for THAT. "
He finished his iced tea and reminded me to clean up all the blood and evidence and off he went.
Another hit job.
We locked up the house and left for lunch.
Just another HOT day in a would-be mermaid assassisnator's life.