Monday, December 14, 2009

Christmas Carols for the Disturbed

* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2.
Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3.
Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4.
Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5.
Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

* 6.
Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

* 7.
Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

* 8.
Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9.
Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Be lls, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells....



How to Make Bedroom Slippers for Christmas

My dear friends,

Somewhat embarrassing to admit, I'm not getting an annual bonus and Christmas is tight this year. I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. You'll most likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below:

How to make bedroom slippers:

You need four maxi pads to make a pair. Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part. The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top. Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part. Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers or Christmas doo-dads.

These slippers are:

  • Soft and Hygienic
  • Non-slip grip strips on the soles
  • Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh
  • No more bending over to mop up spills
  • Disposable and biodegradable
  • Environmentally safe

I've attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see the nifty slippers for yourself.

Fun Quotes



A wise man once said; "Look on life as an apple the more you eat the less you have,but if you don't eat it it will spoil so you have to throw it away, so make sure you enjoy your life to the fullest.

Bumper Sticker: No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.

Let thy Food be thy Medicine and thy Medicine be thy Food. -Hippocrates

One of the secrets of life is to make stepping stones out of stumbling blocks.-Jack Penn


Sailing the Virgin Islands in 1966

This web page has moved to here.

News from the Virgin Islands

Life in the islands; very relaxed, t'ings are often on hold...
Repairs on Sabbath Hill Reservoir on hold
BVI News Online
BY PRESS RELEASE Road Town, Tortola, VI (9th December, 2009) – The Water and Sewerage Department recently announced the repair of the slab at the Sabbath ...

Celebrating Christmas Fungi Style!
Platinum News Online
"The sustainability of fungi music in the British Virgin Islands depends primarily on our commitment to the preservation of our cultural heritage. ...

Spanish Town Stirs Christmas Spirit in VG
Platinum News Online
BVI Platinum News caught up with some vendors who expressed disappointment over the purchasing will of patrons at the event this year. ...

island sailing - British Virgin Islands
Buitifull, dilightfull,scenic, wonderfull, magic,peacfull,excelant. What more can I say about my Islands Paradise that I discovered in my yacht. Away from the noise the fast lane of western city life living in this stess free,friendly ...

Adventures of a Gypsy Pirate Wench!: I'm shipping off!
By Jolea
That's where the pink flamingos live and it's one of the BVI's I haven't been to yet. I don't know anyone who has been there actually. You can only get there by private boat or sea plane. It's a low lying coral island like Key West, ...






Saturday, December 12, 2009

East Jesus, Slab City

"Clearly, anyone who forsakes running water but keeps a grand piano around is a dedicated musician."

Quote from a blog about a Slab City resident. (Slab City has no utilities and residents must make do with self-contained motorhomes, trailers or camping out in the rough.)

I love pianos! The blogster even posted a picture of the piano and the musician at this link. All of her photos are rather stunning.




Snorkelig the Virgin Islands at Hull Bay

I used to have some fun times at Hull Bay and the Hull Bay Hideaway!






Friday, December 11, 2009

Free Shipping through Dec 13th

FREE SHIPPING on orders of $50 or more between now and Sunday at midnight (PST)


Use coupon code LASTSHIP


* Free Economy or Standard shipping for orders of $50 or more, excluding shipping charges and applicable sales tax. Delivery address must be within the United States and cannot be a PO Box. All orders will be Economy shipping unless the order is not eligible for Economy shipping (e.g., order exceeds Economy weight restrictions). Coupon code must be entered at check out. Promotion starts on December 11, 2009 at 12:00 a.m. (PST) and ends on December 13, 2009 at 11:59 p.m. (PST). Cannot be combined with any other CafePress coupons or promotions and this offer may change, be modified or cancelled at anytime without notice.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

More News from the Virgin Islands



http://www.google.com/url?sa=X&q=http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/othersports/sailing/6771503/Geoff-Holt-on-solo-mission-to-become-first-disabled-sailor-to-cross-Atlantic.html&ct=ga&cd=fmwoL3CMtVY&usg=AFQjCNGDeu9V0v8PoX3ErTN9S6ehum4PHg
Telegraph.co.uk
Geoff Holt on solo mission to become first disabled sailor to cross Atlantic
Telegraph.co.uk
If Geoff Holt makes it to Cane Garden Bay in Tortola in January, his log book won't just chronicle the usual steep seas and ghastly storms but the key ...

Geoff Holt to set off tomorrow - Yachts and Yachting Online
It seems right to sail back to Cane Garden Bay in Tortola in the British Virgin Islands as this is where I had my accident. I will be returning as a quadriplegic yachtsman and it is a personal challenge where I feel I will be closing ...

Broker Report: Tortola Charter Show
Charter broker Kathleen Mullen of Regency Yacht Vacations discusses the 2009 Tortola charter yacht show.

Tortola PDF | Download Free Ebook Tortola
Media Kit: Tortola. City Centre And Island Of Mystery. BRITISH VIRGIN ISLANDS – Rising from the Technicolor tides as the anchor island of the British Virgin ...

A trip down memory lane!
Flying Cloud Windjammer Virgin Islands 2000 pictures from ...
Scanned photos of a Windjammer cruise on the Flying Cloud thru the Virgin Islands in 2000. this ...Windjammer Legacy BVI 2006 · Windjammer Legacy Part 2 ...


Don't forget to buy your 2010 Virgin Islands Calendars by Dear Miss Mermaid!


Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Lots of Fun Links From Dear Miss Mermaid

DearMissMermaid.Com Entrance to Home Page

About That Ocean

Children say the darnedest things...


1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass.(Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)




Tuesday, December 08, 2009


Um.... that is a HILARIOUS newspaper headline! tee hee hee!



Dear Miss Mermaid's 2010 Calendars are now on sale and ship worldwide! Six exciting designs to choose from!

You can also buy my book autographed! Click on the link below then click on
6 new from $14.99 (autographed ones are $17.99 and are shipped worldwide)

Ho Ho Ho!

Argh! Mateys!

SEASONS GREETINGS


20% off Dear Miss Mermaid's Drinking Mugs

20% off Dear Miss Mermaid's Drinking Mugs

Use Code MUGSHOT

Promotion starts on December 8, 2009, at 12:00 a.m. (PST) and ends on December 8, 2009, at 11:59 p.m. (PST).

Monday, December 07, 2009

"Santa Claus You are Much too Fat" (Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)

"Santa Claus You are Much too Fat" (Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)

I heard a reindeer hoof,
then Santa dressed in red came crashing thru' the roof,
and landed in my bed.
I thought it was a dream,
but quickly did I wake,
as soon as I heard Santa yell "I want a piece of cake"

Ohhhh, Santa Claus Santa Claus
You are much too fat
I was sleeping peacefully but now my bed is flat.
Ohhhh Santa Claus Santa Claus
How much do you weigh?
I'm glad I'm not a reindeer
That has to pull your sleigh.

He got up off the floor and said "How do you do?"
I said "my back is sore, my head is black and blue"
"So sorry" he replied, and then he asked my name.
He offered me a ride, I said "No thank you just the same."

Ohhhh, Santa Claus Santa Claus
You are much too fat
I was sleeping peacefully but now my bed is flat.
Ohhhh Santa Claus Santa Claus
How much do you weigh?
I'm glad I'm not a reindeer
That has to pull your sleigh.

I heard a "ho ho ho",
the sleigh was in the sky but it was moving slow and wasn't very high
t wobbled in the air,
I hoped it wouldn't fall;
Said Santa chewing cookies "Merry Christmas, one and all!"

Ohhhh, Santa Claus Santa Claus
You are much too fat
I was sleeping peacefully but now my bed is flat.
Ohhhh Santa Claus Santa Claus
How much do you weigh?
I'm glad I'm not a reindeer
That has to pull your sleigh.


25 Days of Free Songs






Thursday, December 03, 2009

Dear Miss Mermaid Averts Disaster, Again...

I'm in the USA right now.

I had to mail off a super important small package to a sailing friend in Florida. I had finally found the parts I needed to mail, the bubble wrap to protect them, and I had previously picked up the free US Postal Service box to pack it all in.

Their fancy free boxes are like exotic cake boxes and require 5 thumbs and 12 fingers to assemble. Somehow I managed to get the bubble wrapped contents, ensconced in the box, fold up the flat cardboard into the desire box-like shape, (after only 5 tries) peel off the tape strip, which was thoughtfully attached to the box, and stick the whole mess together.

Surprisingly, it looked very neat and professionally done (in under two hours). I put the correct address on it and it was imperative I get it in the mail immediately, despite the storm raging outside.

By the way, I'm camping out at a friend's house until I become un-homeless. My friend yelled "WAIT! I have an envelope for you to mail too!"

I waited another 20 minutes while he got his check, envelope and postage ready. He couldn't find the address to the place where he has mailed a check to for the past 6 years, so I had a delay while he searched the Internet and finally called someone located in India who told him in broken English, the correct US address.

Apparently customer service for many companies has strangely moved to India, presumably because the wages are cheaper and the lawsuits non-existent.

Go figure.

The storm was decidedly worse with a tornado warning, 30-40 mile per hour winds and driving rains. Luckily the post office was only a mile away and they had a drive-through. With the box addressed and stamped plus ditto for the envelope, I thought I could brave the torrential mess and make it back alive.

Ha!

I was nearly killed!

It was one of those things where folks would have scratched their heads and wondered "WHY was Dear Miss Mermaid run over flat in the middle of a six lane highway during a storm, wearing pajamas?"

I am sure it would have puzzled them for eons.

OK, it wasn't exactly pajamas, (but I do sleep in them) and therefore think them inappropriate for outside wear. My friend had gifted me with sweat pants and a sweat shirt one day when I was shaking from the cold uncontrollably. They make great pajamas and house wear. I see folks out and about in their sweat pants and sweat shirt, but somehow, I just didn't have the nerve to do that.

Until today.

I was all snuggled up in my oversized sweat pants and sweat shirt, plus some fur lined moccasins shod on my feet (mermaids grow feet if they are too far from the ocean too long) and I thought if I dashed out to the clunker of a junker (my latest mode of transport) and only drove straight to the post office drive-through and back, all would be fine and no one would know.

THANK GOODNESS, I decided to put on a long Trench Coat.

Just in case.

Besides my clunker of a junker takes a long time to heat up, and I didn't want to be cold, even for a short ride. This trench coat is long and toasty warm and somewhat impervious to water. The sleeves are a little too long, but as long as my fingers can grip the steering wheel, I was happy for the warm wrists.

So I battled the elements, the chilling rains coming down by the bucketfuls, and prayed the tornado warnings were meant for everybody but me, and set out to drive the one mile to the post office, which included two traffic lights and two turns. After 22 years of driving on the left, I chant to myself "drive on the right, drive on the right" as I go down the road.

Which by the way, did you hear about the tornado that flattened the avocado trees, then tore up the tomato patch and devastated the potato crop? They called it the avocado potato tomato tornado", as it flung tomatoes, dirt laden potatoes, and unripened avocados all over town. (If you're bored, try saying "avocado potato tomato tornado" as fast as you can ten times!)

Anyhow...

I was so proud that I remembered to go through the sneaky entrance-only and not the exit. You can't see the sneaky entrance-only, to the post office until it's too late and many end up entering the exit-only. I know because when I went to pick up my free box, I ended up in the exit-only, but no one was there to scold me, so I snuck right in and parked before anyone could yell at me.

But on this wet and showery day, I sailed right through the entrance-only, headed for the exit-only where the drive-through mail boxes are located and all was going well until I stopped at the drive by mail box.

It was high. I mean real high! I mean if I had been driving a huge 18 wheel tractor trailer, then I might have been able to reach the drive through mail box easily. It was pouring rain as I reversed and then drove forward again, skimming the heavy concrete curb, to line up with the box again. It was taller than my clunker of a junker! I listened to the window hiss as the electric motor let it down, and I stretched my arm until I thought it would pop right out of my socket, and I was able to dump the small box and the letter down the chute to the mail box.

I was immensely proud of this feat, in spite of the fact, a gallon of water had just run down the sleeve of my trench coat and deposited icy cold water into my armpit, when a sudden gale came out of nowhere and snatched the letter right out of the mail chute and sent it flying in front of my windshield, then deposited it somewhere in front of my clunker of a junker.

I gasped!

Horrors!

I couldn't just leave it there and go back and tell my friend "Sorry, your check and envelope blew away in the storm, and therefore wasn't mailed at all!"

Even worse, I might have to make a SECOND trip out into this deluge to make good on my errand, once I peeled my friend off the ceiling and got them to write a new check, find an envelope, call India for the address, and OOOPS, I just recalled, we had used their very last stamp on the errant envelope, so this just would not do at all. That would mean I would have to go get dressed so I could go inside the post office and buy another stamp. Tsk tsk tsk.

I put the clunker of a junker into neutral, yanked up the hand brake, made sure it wasn't moving forward or backwards, then tried to climb out of the car. The door hit the mailbox and only gave me a sliver to squish my body, sweat suit and trench coat through, but I made it, then I had to shut the door and walk sideways like a crab and finally I spy THE ENVELOPE in front of the clunker of a junker, inches from a massive rain puddle.

I bent over to retrieve the envelope, the engine still running, and praying silently my clunker of a junker wouldn't suddenly disengage the handbrake and mow me down, when as I swear my fingers were less than an inch from the envelope, a gust of wind picked it up and flung it out into the six lane highway in front of us.

By now, a frigid river of rain was running inside the collar of the trench coat and down my back, slowly filling up my furry moccasins. I watched with profound horror, as a car ran right over the envelope and tossed it into the median.

Now the median on this particular highway is actually what I call a "free for all" as cars and trucks can pull into the median to make left turns, or pull half way across the highway and wait in the median, until they get into a proper lane of traffic going their way. I noticed the envelope had tire treads across the back of it.

As the gullywasher continued around me in near 40 F degree weather, I darted and dashed between cars and trucks and found myself in the median, bending over, once again, to retrieve this g**d*** envelope.

I hear the screech of brakes and look up as the grill of some new exotic car slides to a stop just inches from me bent over and hovering in the median. By now, my hair is soaked, my furry moccasins are rain laden and my throat closes up and my heart stops and I get VERY dizzy. The driver of the sleek car that nearly killed me looks like something out of a bad fright movie.

Like a drunken sailor, I weave and stumble my way back through traffic, stuff the envelope into the mail chute while noting there are three cars patiently waiting behind my parked one so they can use the mail chute too.

I slither sideways between the mail box and my car, open the door and note with disdain, I have left the window down, so the interior of my clunker of a junker is just soaked, and I manage to squeeze myself between the narrow opening and back into my car seat.

I can't breathe, my head is spinning, and my heart has now jump started and is racing away faster than a reggae beat. Everything spins out of control. I sit, dripping and frozen in my clunker of a junker, waiting for air to enter my lungs before I just pass right out.

Someone behind me honks, but there is just nothing I can do. I need AIR. They beep again and I wonder why don't they just call 911 and announce a dead mermaid is blocking the mail chute?

Seconds or minutes, I don't know, I eased off the hand brake, and let the car roll to the edge of the six lane highway and stop again. Maybe this will appease the honker.

I will my lungs to OPEN up and let some air in. Finally, the the air comes, the dizziness leaves and though my heart is still pounding pretty heavily, I see an opening in traffic, so I enter the six lane highway and make it back to my friend's house in a dream like state.

At their driveway, I park and sit and watch the windows steam up. Finally I work up my nerve to brace the icy cold waterfall from the clouds and make a run for their house door.

I rapidly head for their bathroom, hang up my trench coat in the shower, put a towel around my soaked hair, and then head for their living room to stand over the heating vent and try to thaw out. I slip out of my soaked shoes and was sliding on socks when my friend walks into the room.

"What took you so long?"

"Did you mail my envelope?"




Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Shopping at Goodwill



Goodwill receives a "kind" donation: $1,500 worth of pot

By Sarah Gilbert
Dec 1st 2009

It seemed like an innocent enough donation. A Marietta, Ohio Goodwill store received a large galvanized metal water jug with a spout -- perfect to hold lemonade during some long-ago summer picnic. Yet, the jug, which was donated anonymously, wasn't holding a refreshing drink; instead, it was filled with a heady cargo of marijuana.

The weed, bagged and labeled according to weight (i.e.; 124 grams) carries a street value of $1,500, local police said, and was about a year old; leading them to conclude that the stash had been accidentally abandoned.


The police, in their thigh-slapping funny way, are asking for the anonymous donor to come forward. "If anybody would like to come in and claim this 'cooler,' which is probably an antique, we would love to have them come in and we'll be more than happy to try and get that cooler returned to them," Marietta Police Capt. Jeff Waite told Charleston, West Virginia news station WSAZ.

Unless the original owner of the pot forgot where he (or she) had stashed his, well, stash, I doubt the donor knew what was inside the ancient-looking jug; so it's unlikely the perpetrator will come forward.

Or maybe this is fodder for some slapstick home-for-Christmas movie, with Judd Apatow cast as the ne'er-do-well grandson who comes back from basic training only to discover that his grandmother has donated his beloved pot to Goodwill. Already I'm imagining the scene in the Marietta thrift store when he tries to recover his drugs by buying the jug...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey, I'm off to the Goodwill in Ohio, I want to buy that cooler and herb, and help that Charity out!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Thursday, November 26, 2009

20% Off Dear Miss Mermaid Calendars and Designs

THURSDAY NOVEMBER 26TH 2009

The folks who handle printing and shipping of Dear Miss Mermaid's 2010 Calendars (six to choose from) are offering TODAY only, 20% off ay purchases made from Dear Miss Mermaid's Treasure Chest. Calendars make a great gift for yourself and others. Everything at the Treasure Chest is 20% off today, so take a look around. You can preview the calendar pages and inspect the spectacular pictures before hand. All

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HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

A Thanksgiving Feast At The Rock Café

A Thanksgiving Feast
At The Rock Café
Virgin Gorda
British Virgin Islands

The Classic Soup
Carrots, pumpkin, orange and ginger zest
***
November Salad
Fresh baby spinach, green apples, crispy bacon,
dressed with delicious lemon/Dijon vinagrette
***
Herb-Roasted Turkey
With Pacific Northwest stuffing
&
The ultimate potatoes au gratin
and sweet peppers “Peperonata”
***
Dessert
Rich Rustic Apple Tarte

******
Complimentary glass of :
Pinot Bianco Fornitz – Italy, 2008
or
Cabernet Fornitz – Italy, 2008

******

Price per person: $55.00

Menu a la carte & fresh lobster also available

******

LIVE WORLD CLASS ENTERTAINMENT at THE PIANO BAR from the US
DAINA DE PREZ

For Reservation: +1-284-495-5482

Happy Turkey Day!


A big thank you for a beautiful Jacquie Lawson card from my gentle readers, Linda and Jack. I am sharing it with you here, ENJOY!

Check out my bikini Turkey recipe, complete with more pics!


Some of my other recipes:


Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving

A big thank you to Jim who sent me this card I wish to share with you all!



A Friend Is Like A Good Bra

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra.. .
Hard to Find...
Supportive....
Comfortable...
Always Lifts You Up...
Never Lets You Down, or Leaves You Hanging,
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Subject: Ladies Public Restrooms

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.

Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.

You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless(Gosh, I should have gone to the gym!) thigh muscles begin to shake.

You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance".

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That will have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.

The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious,tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.

It is wet of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper- not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get".

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.

You're e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d.

You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, .....so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them.

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly,"Here, you just might need this".

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom.

Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door!