Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Does It Pay To Walk For Your Health?

In the park, I just watched a teenager ride by on her bicycle.  She was wearing a bikini.
 
And a life vest.
 
It was all buckled up too.
 
I guess that way if she runs off the road, through the trees and down to the lake, she won't drown.
 
I understand walking will add years to my life. I think about this as I walk around with the puppy doggy.
 
Come to think of it, my grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 62. 
 
Now she is 91.
 
And we don't know where  she is.
 
The local gym was offering the first 30 days as a free trial with a guarantee you would lose 5 pounds the first month. So I signed up for the freebie.
 
30 days went by.
 
I didn't lose any weight at all.
 
The gym called and wanted my credit card to charge the next 30 days. I said "Why?  I didn't lose any weight the first 30 days, sure not going to pay for another 30 days now."
 
"Ma'am, you have to actually SHOW UP at the gym to lose any weight..."
 
Gee, that wasn't on the brochure.
 
Now, let's see, if I walk everyday and that adds five years to my life, and if nursing homes cost over  $7,000 a month, then I am going to need a half million just to pay for my walking.
 
Of course, if I exercise every day, like everyone recommends, then when I die you can say "Doesn't she look great?"
 
Whenever I start worrying about how I look, how I've aged, how things don't tuck in where they used to...  I find a nice bar.  After a few hours of Happy Hour drink specials, I discover I look and feel just terrific!
 
If you think diet and exercise are dirty words, then wash your mouth out with chocolate. You'll forget those words in a hurry.
 
I have an old costume leftover from Halloween. It's a big black bear costume. When I am bored, I just put on my costume and hide near the walking trails. When folks come by, I growl at them and stand up.
 
It sure is fun to see just how fast some people can run.
 
Last moth I entered a marathon. It was embarrassing. I was the last runner out.  As we neared the finish line, I was still at the back of the pack. The lady in front of me turns and says "So, how does it feel to be the very last one?"
 
I said "You wanna know?"
 
And I dropped out of the race.
 
I went to look at athletic shoes the other day.  I couldn't figure out why they all had little pockets on the side of them.
 
I asked the clerk.
 
She said, "Oh, that's for your cell phone. When you've jogged too far, you can stop and call for a ride."
 
My ex-husband was a meter reader for the gas company. One day he had a trainee. They walked the neighborhood, recording meter readings on their clip boards. At the last house in the neighborhood, they read the meter.  The trainee challenged my husband to a race, back to the gas company truck.
 
So they took off at a full speed run for the truck.
 
As they neared the truck and stopped, they noticed a woman in curlers and a house robe, running after them.
 
They asked her "Why are you chasing us?"
 
"Well," she gasped and panted "When I looked out my window and saw two gas men, running as hard as you two were, I figured I had better run for my life too!"
 
Why I am no longer married...
 
When I was young and dumb and married, I used to get up before the crack of dawn and go jogging for two hours. I never paid attention to the weather.  One day, I encountered a hellacious storm 3 minutes out the door. I turned around and jogged back home, cold and wet.
 
I dried off quickly and crawled into bed naked. I snuggled up to my husband in the dark.
 
I whispered "Honey, the weather is horrible out there, it's storming."
 
He whispered back "Yeah, I know, sweetie, I'm glad you came by anyhow, cause  that didn't stop my idiot of a wife, from jogging this morning either."

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