And Then There Was Tchaikovsky

I was listening to the radio. It felt great. I knew the words to all the songs.

Then the announcer came on saying this was classic rock and roll day.

Oh my gosh!  Am I that old?

I think of rock and roll as being timeless but is it now considered classic?

I thought classics were Beethoven, Chopin, Tchaikovsky...

Oh my gosh, I can not think of Tchaikovsky without giggling or smiling.

Back in the dark ages...  I was introduced to a new music teacher who was retired from the opera. I was to continue piano lessons with her.  My former piano teacher was moving away.

As I stood nervously at the front  door of her house, this grand exotic lady who had been all around the world appeared at the door, introducing herself,  letting me in. She had this massive bosom that was absolutely amazing in sheer size. As a nervous preteen, my jaw probably dropped in utter wonder when I first met her.

My own mother was very well endowed, but my new teacher probably had her bras professionally engineered by parachute makers.

I sat down at the piano then brought out my John Thompson music books and showed her what I could do on the piano. Our lesson had begun.

My instructor perched on an antique chair that completely vanished when she sat down.  Her posture included a ramrod straight back in spite of the great load she carried.

Each week we met for an hour. I rarely talked, just did as I was told. One day when she engaged me in conversation, it came to her attention I had a lot of trouble pronouncing certain words. She began correcting me as a matter of course.

In particular I had a ridiculously hard time pronouncing Tchaikovsky managing to mangle it something awful.  The first time my piano teacher  heard my attempt to say it correctly, she burst out laughing.  Her incredible chest heaved, wiggled and gyrated while she laughed. My eyes become wide as saucers.

She recovered from the laughter, telling me "You need to say it rapidly like you're sneezing. Tchaikovsky! Tchaikovsky! Tchaikovsky!  Now you try it!"

Each time she said Tchaikovsky! her humongous breasts would shift, wiggle and wobble  with each enunciation.

I tried saying Tchaikovsky! like a sneeze while my teacher barked at me "Try again, say it like a sneeze"  For good emphasis she repeated Tchaikovsky! three more times while her gigantic bosom danced like jello gone wild with each utterance.

I sputtered out Tchaikovsky! Tchaikovsky! Tchaikovsky!  like I was trying to sneeze. But for some fool reason the giggles overtook me. I started laughing  uncontrollably. My face flushed crimson red. The giggles would not stop.

The maestro began laughing again while her chest danced uncontrollably, which made me continue to giggle so hard I thought I would fall right off the piano bench. I couldn't stop myself, I just felt like I was caught up in this crazy cartoon of saying  "Tchaikovsky! Tchaikovsky! Tchaikovsky!" like a sneeze while this woman with the jittery breasts goaded me on.  She was convinced I could learn to say Tchaikovsky! correctly with a little more practice but I was by now chuckling with wild abandonment such as only a child can do.

About that time my mother arrived to pick me up. As she approached the door,  she heard all the laughter instead of piano playing. My instructor excused me to go home. I tried to stop laughing long enough to gather up my books. I hung my head down,biting my lip,  because if I dared to look at my piano instructor again, I was sure to split my sides wide open in ridiculous tittering.

Riding home with my mother in her VW van, I stared aimlessly out the window while she asked me what on earth were we two laughing about. I turned to her explaining I was learning to pronounce Tchaikovsky! which immediately put the image of my teacher's cavorting bosom back into my silly brain.  I slid down in my seat unable to control my hysterical cackling.

I was far too embarrassed to tell my mother what was really so funny to my childlike eyes.

My mother is now long gone.  But to this day, I can still see that perplexed look on her face as I tried between frenzied snickering to explain how to pronounce Tchaikovsky!