Saturday, July 16, 2011

Million Dollars

Well, I've learned more than I want to know about cell phone plans and ridiculous contracts. I'm of the opinion that if the cell phone provider was so great then the corporations wouldn't feel the need to try to bind their customers to asinine contracts. I just want to talk on the phone, not take out a mortgage.

Before I moved overseas in 1987, I  ran two small businesses. We treated our clients like gold.  They were precious to us.  We did everything to make them happy and satisfied with our services. If you keep your current patrons gratified, then you don't have to constantly market for new ones. As a small business, we could only handle so much.  Indeed there came a time, we were so busy, we had to be choosy about new clients that approached us for services.

For me, to step back into America, in 2011, I am just aghast the way businesses treat their customers, often with punitive results.   

What used to be done with a 5 minute phone call, now takes 2 hours on the computer to accomplish. Customer service has become a self service plan of dealing with confounded computer programs, or automated phone systems that have a mechanical voice to chant over and over "I didn't get that, could you repeat?"

Even worse is to finally get someone on the phone about an American company providing American services and they don't seem to speak or understand English. How did they get this job?  Why can't I have a telephone job?  I can speak English rather well. 

I've been told they are overseas, English is something they took a crash course for to get this job of talking to Americans pretending to provide customer service. My name gives them pause for the cause, then they waste valuable time asking "May I call you Seen-Tee-Yeah?"  I say "No" but the rest of the conversation is needlessly peppered with my presumed name of Seen-Tee-Yeah.  

I had this recent customer service conversation concerning an American service I have:

Seen-Tee-Yeah I need you to go to gloops. 

Gloops?  I don't have a gloops.  

Gloops!  Praise gloops! I am go wing to hip you today Seen-Tee-Yeah.

Hip me? Oh groups!  OK, I see groups on the menu. 

Good Sen-Tee-Yeah.  At gloops I warned you can creep ache a new gloop. Den odd  fat gloop. Praise odd. Now safe tat gloop. Seen-Tee-Yeah breast in. Now your gloop is creep ache ed. Write gloop miss edge. Den praise clothes. 

What?  I don't understand!

You creep ache a new gloop! Praise gloop!

Hmm...Oh I see, create a new group.

Yes, creep ache a new gloop. Den odd fat gloop. 

Um.... odd fat group?

Yes, odd fat gloop!  Praise odd!

Oh, I see, press add.  OK. 

Now safe tat gloop. Now your gloop is creep ache ed. Write gloop miss edge. Seen-Tee-Yeah breast in.  Den praise clothes. 

Wait a minute, I don't understand breast in and praise clothes. You lost me at group miss edge. 

Seen-Tee-Yeah, write your miss edge. In the corn her, breast in, den praise clothes. 

I see, in the corner, press send. Then close. OK. But what is miss edge? 

You write miss edge to your gloop!

Hmm... write miss edge... Oh I get it, write message!

Seen-Tee-Yeah go to man men hue. See lacked gloops.  Peek hat gloop. Now I wand you to breast in. Is your gloop email  red day now? Den breast in.  You have more quests sons uh bout uh gloops?  You go to gloop hip in hop corn her. 

Um, OK...I guess...I think I figured it out. Hmm...

Villa you teak serve ray, Seen-tee-yeah?   I villa con act you now. You half chin say to ween mill young doll yeah.


It's been a week now.  

I never did get my million dollars. But I know how to creep ache gloops. 

Hurricanes and Hangovers and Other Tall Tales and Loose Lies from the Coconut Telegraph by Dear Miss Mermaid


  1. I would never have been able to hang on until the end of that call! Congratulations and I hope you get the million dollars soon.

  2. A gentle reader emailed this to me:
    I thought your blog about the non-English speaking person on customer service was so funny, I kept laughing until tears came! It was hilarious. I've been there, and it's SO true! The way you wrote it was totally super duper funny uber-hilarious. I sent it to several friends. I don't begrudge the overseas brothers and sisters their jobs. Everybody in the world deserves a decent living, is my opinion. But it is really a challenge when you cannot understand them at all!


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