Thursday, January 11, 2018

Resolutions for 2018

New years Resolutions...

Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar, took his last drink, and swore his last oath. To-day, we are a pious and exemplary community. Thirty days from now, we shall have cast our reformation to the winds and gone to cutting our ancient short comings considerably shorter than ever. We shall also reflect pleasantly upon how we did the same old thing last year about this time. However, go in, community. New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls, and humbug resolutions, and we wish you to enjoy it with a looseness suited to the greatness of the occasion.

[reprinted from The Works of Mark Twain; Early Tales & Sketches, Vol. 1 1851-1864, (Univ. of California Press, 1979), p. 180.]
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Now onto my resolutions...

I promise to switch my username to “password” and my password to “username” to confuse the hackers.

I promise to check for toilet paper before sitting on the throne (especially public ones)

I promise to get rid of the DVD rewinders (they never worked anyhow)

I promise to drive more carefully so others will quit chasing me down the street honking and yelling something about insurance

I promise to check the pool for water before diving in

I promise not to mail order another copy of "How to Prevent Mail Fraud" (the first two never showed up anyhow)

I promise to save money for a rainy day  (so I can shop online without getting wet)

I promise to lower my bills by digging a hole to store them in.

I promise to diet once a day (preferably while sleeping)

I promise to exercise every 5th Thursday of the month

I promise to quit walking off with other people's  pens (I will run instead)

I promise to stop sneaking jumbo sizes of hemorrhoid treatment in another's shopping cart because they jumped in front me

I promise to come up with better excuses for procrastination... later

And when it's all said and done... the only one I truly hope to keep all year long is:

Smile and laugh more!

 Recycle more with a bicycle...

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