Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Have Your Elf A Merry Christmas

Christmas isn't about the nicest tree or what's under it. It's about who's around it.

What makes December so special?

It's the only month with a D.

There's a new band named "Spice Rack" who came out with a Christmas album called "Season's Greetings".

A couple of twins named Hall became professional wrestlers who could be bribed to lose. That's how they became known as Deck The Halls.

The Gingerbread man was tired and chilly, so I covered him with a cookie sheet.

I told Harley Dog not to eat the Christmas decorations lest he get tinsel-itis.

At the wild animal Christmas parade, they were singing Jungle Bells.

A bunch of turkeys beseeched the heavens to be spared this Christmas.

Some say it was Fowl Pray.

Employees from the Nuclear Power Plant went caroling while singing "Ho, ho, ho who wouldn't glow..."

At the grocery store, I saw Mother Superior donate a handful of pennies into the Salvation Army kettle. Now that was a bunch of Nun cents.

When Sir Lancelot was stabbed they sang "Oh Holey Knight".

If you rent a Santa Claus suit you have to pay for steam cleaning. It's called a Sauna Claus.

When bald Uncle Joe got a comb for Christmas he said "I will treasure this and never part with it!"

Santa Claus was so fat he got stuck in the chimney. He was terrified because he had Claustrophobia.

The eleven elves rallied around Santa to hire one more and make them an even dozen. So finally Santa advertised for a twelf.

During the Christmas party a bunch of ducks got drunk and sang carols. I guess that's what you call Christmas Quackers.

Santa Claus wanted a motorcycle for Christmas so the elves built him a Holly Davidson.

One elf could only run backwards so they named him Fle.

There was an elf shortage so skunks were hired for Santa's marketing department. They came up with "Jingle Smells All The Way" but they were fired because their jingle stunk.

What do you call a camel that never leaves your side?

O Camel Ye Faithful.

After the beaver chopped down the Christmas tree, he said "It was nice gnawing you!"

The worst Christmas gift is a broken drum. You just can't beat it.

The thief who stole an Advent Calendar got 25 days.

The mice got drunk and angry while making their Christmas Cards and mailed out Cross Mouse Cards.

A Peeping Tom was spying in the window at the baker. When she opened up the window, he fell into the mixer and became a Minced Spy.

They say Santa Claus speaks Polish because he is a North Pole.

The snowman got an icicle to ride for Christmas.

An elf won the lottery and became welfy.

What do Christmas trees and klutzy knitters have in common? They both drop their needles.

Jolly Kris Kringle ate with the troops on Christmas Day. This made a Merry Kris Mess.

December 24th is celebrated because Adam got confused and said "It's Christmas, Eve."

Santa Claus visited The Virgin and had a Mary Christmas.

The President has a secret button in his shoe that when pushed can start a war. It's called his Missile Toe.

Santa likes to go down the chimney because it soots hims.

To become an elf, you must first study the elfabet. It only has 25 letters because there is no L.

Santa Claus loves to garden in the summer when he is on Santa Pause so he can hoe, hoe, hoe.

One of Santa's elfs ran off to be a rhythmic singer. He calls himself a Wrapper.

A special elf makes toy guitars while singing "Blue Christmas". He is called Elfis.

This will sleigh you, Rudolf decided to try a comedy routine in his off season.

Last summer an elf vacationed in the Caribbean and got a sunburn. This made him snappy and crass so they called him Rude-Elf the Red Nose.

One of the reindeer lost his tail, so he went shopping at a retail store for a new one.

This may surprise you.

Scrooge loves the reindeer because every buck is dear to him.

Santa Claus tripped and fell backwards into the roaring fireplace. That's why we also call him Krisp Kringle.

Which reindeer keeps the sleigh clean?

Comet of course.

Caribbean folklore tells about a special fat cat who delivers toys at the beach. They call him Sandy Claws.

The reindeer have a beautiful Christmas tree decorated with hornaments.

Santa Claus really lives with Aunt Artica.

When Frosty the Snowman was caught stealing water the policeman yelled "Freeze!"

We lost an elf when he pushed his bed into the fireplace so he could sleep like a log.

Last Christmas a bunch of chess nerds were in the hotel lobby bragging about their games. Well that's Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

The elves grew an organic garden over the summer to sell produce in the Elf Store.

Mexican sheep came caroling last night singing "Fleece Navidad".

Some elves say their jobs are really bad. They claim they do all the work and some guy in a suit gets all the credit.

There is no smoking allowed at the North Pole because it's bad for the elf.

Do you know the difference between a Snowman and a Snowlady?  Only one has snow balls.

An elderly man said Christmas was very confusing. As a child he believed in Santa Claus. He grew up and didn't believe in Santa Claus. Next he had kids and dressed up as Santa Claus. Now he's in the old folks' home looking like Santa Claus.

There was a kid on our block who didn't believe in Santa. We call him a rebel without a Claus.

A man from the United States went over Niagara falls in a beer keg while singing Christmas Carols. He washed up on the Canadian side. They said that's A Merry Can.

Somebody crossed a Snowman with a Vampire and got Frostbit.

If you cross a thug with a gift-wrapper you end up with Ribbon Hood.

The real reason Santa Claus is so jolly is because he knows where all the naughty girls are.

Santa Jaws delivers Christmas gifts to mermaids of the sea.

And what do you call a cheery Brit who calls you on Christmas Eve?



Life is goof!