Sunday, March 17, 2019

The Dreadful Event

Going out in public since coming out of the hospital is rare and problematic.

My body doesn't belong to me anymore. It does embarrassing things when I least expect it. Staying home is safer.

Much safer.

Recently I was suffering from cabin fever and I thought I could weather a very short trip to a heavily discounted grocery store. A friend had offered to drive me since I don't have a vehicle yet. It was a beautiful day. I was dressed up and excited to go out and try to do something normal.


Ha ha ha!

What was I thinking?

In this little town where I am long-term camping in my forever home, an odd little store opened up that I nicknamed the "scratch and dent". The food is very cheap because it's odd lots of past dated food or dented cans or bruised produce or some sort of bargains they've managed to buy up from pricey trendy corporate grocery stores that remove any less than perfect foods from their inventory. Items like this are often sold off to bargain stores.

The inventory is erratic and changes often. What you see one day may be totally different a few days later. The owner is an oversized friendly jolly man and his cashier is always welcoming, smiling and cheerful. The two of them make it a delight to shop there.

I had a three items in my cart, when I began perusing their freezers. I found a frozen 99 cent organic dinner that sells for over $6 in other stores. I quickly opened the freezer, grabbed two boxes and closed the door.

The owner suddenly appeared to point out his discounted T-Bone steaks and Ribeyes in the freezer. He opened the door to show them off better. I stood there clutching the shopping cart, grinning like a fool just being polite while he did his sales pitch.

These kind folks had no idea I had been recently stuck in a dreadful ICU at hospital and that a little trip to their store was a big event for me in an attempt to briefly alleviate cabin fever.

The super cold air from the open freezer hit me hard.

That's when it happened.


My body decided to do something ridiculous with virtually NO warning at all. I barely had time cover my mouth while my body let out a big thunderous super sonic loud sneeze that rattled the windows of the storefront.


That's not all.

I simultaneously sneezed at the OTHER end too.
And it was LOUD.
Two-mile train length LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG and LOUD.


I sneezed at BOTH ends.

The exaggerated deafening hurricane strength fart and sneeze was of such magnitude that the owner's eyeglasses went askew as he was blown away crumpling at the end of the aisle with a look of complete shock on his confused face.

The store went silent. EVERYBODY had heard this thunderous deafening ruckus.

I turned 14 shades of red while frantically looking for a welcoming hole to swallow me whole so I could just HIDE for the rest of my days.

Finally I managed to squeak out "Excuse me" but it was drowned out by new pandemonium as shoppers abandoned their carts and fought their way out the exit door as if Armageddon was upon us.

That store is very small, but I swear it was a mile and an hour of sheer torture as I pushed my cart of five items which felt like a half ton up to the cashier. Of course no one was waiting in line.  I felt like I owed it to the owner to at least profit from the few items in my cart before vanishing into oblivion.

Back in the vehicle, my cheerful friend said "Where to next?" Cowering in the floorboard I whispered "Please, just take me home."

Maybe next year I will think about venturing out in public again. Certainly not this year. 

For now, I'm ordering food to be delivered from Amazon. 


  1. You have a wonderful sense of humor about this. Good for you. I have gas its usually silent but oh is it deadly. Chin up I say.

  2. Mine wasn't deadly, but the NOISE was so incredible it drowned out the trains.


Life is goof!