Press Two For English

I came to America and is English still the national language? Seems like everywhere I call, some computer type voice answers and tells me to press one for English!

Good grief.

I expected and encountered this sometimes overseas, where people from various countries may be reaching the same call center, but in America?

Are these calls actually being routed overseas and they have no idea who is calling so therefore they have to give us a list of languages? Are Americans no longer expected to be able to speak English? I thought that's why Puerto Ricans get English classes at school, because they are Americans and should at least know the language of the mother country, even if they do continue to speak only Spanish out of cultural pride.

Why not expand on this whole language concept? Here's Dear Miss Mermaid's take on it:

Hello!

You have reached out automated dis-service:

Press One if you're Lonely

Press Two for English

Para Espanol, Oprima Numero Tres

Slap dat Fo' fo' Ebonics or ax fo' da brutha or sista

Press Five for Southern and if ya fixin' to hang up, ya'll come back, ya hear?

Press Six for sign language, if you are deaf

Press Seven if you're lucky

Press Eight for braille

Press Nine if you are mute

Press Zero if you have Alzheimer's

Press Ten if you are Blond

Press Pound for a game of Tic-Tac-Toe while you wait

Press Four Twenty if you are stoned (and forgot why you called)

Pres Six Six Six for the devil

Press Star to curse the system

Press Sixty-Nine for Sex

Press Eighty-Six if you are out of it

Press N.O. for Cajun Music while you wait

Press Nine One One if this phone system is killing you

Press Bubba for Rednecks and don't be pressin' no more numbas or dis phone whip your ass

To hear this recording again; hang up and redial...

Alternatively:

Press here to buy my book: Hurricanes and Hangovers (and other tall tales & loose lies from the coconut telegraph) by Dear Miss Mermaid

Or

Press there to see my new 2010 Calendars also by Dear Miss Mermaid

Speaking of Manners...

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

" Michael, if you were on a date having dinner witha nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute, I have to go pee."

The teacher responded saying: " That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said: " I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

" That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table"

" And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

Johnny said: " I would say....Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

Speaking of Heaven... (this story was told to me)

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church;

Would that get me into Heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'

Again, the answer was, 'NO!'

By now I was starting to smile.

Hey, this was fun!

'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?'

I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, 'NO!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.

'Well,' I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?'

A five-year-old boy shouted out,

'YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!'

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Universal
Health Plan.

Allergists voted to scratch it, but
the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but
the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while
the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while
the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and
the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but
the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and
the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

And Now for Today's Naughty Joke...

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.

As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man.

'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile ?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence'.

(Now I think I've about mananged to insult most everybody, but have a great day anyhow!)