Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Catharsis


Being thankful.



Let's face facts. It's hard to be thankful each and every day. But thankful I must be. At least be thankful, it's not any worse, if it's not all better. That probably makes no sense to anyone but me.



Some days I wonder how my life puttered along fine for all these years, then last year went totally upside down, inside out and left me a great big mess.



Then I look back and think well, hmm, I sure had loads of good luck in the past. I had numerous adventures. I've lived in various abodes, such as houses, trailers, villas, apartments, sailboats, and now this old motorhome.



I've managed to travel for work and thus see different parts of our great big world. So much more I would like to experience. Maybe it will happen one day. Note to self: Forget the maybe, replace with WILL.



My silly mutt, I am really thankful for him, in spite of his latest penchant for busting up all his equipment. Yes, the little devil has broken 3 retractable leashes and unstuffed his stuffed toys. Now he misses being walked on a retractable leash or having a nice long one outside as his tether. He didn't chew them through, but sometimes he charges full speed ahead and *SNAP*.



He thinks he is a big ferocious dog. I am trying to train him to be a nice quiet puppy dog. He doesn't know he is small. Silly dog.



I'm thankful I haven't gone hungry since I was a teenager. Part of my teen years were seriously rough. Food wasn't around, I couldn't find steady work, I struggled to make ends meet and I wasn't even 18. It was a super stressful time, I didn't want to fall through the cracks. I kept telling myself, this is just temporary, it will get better.



It got much worse.



But eventually, perseverance paid off and things did get better. Much better.



Now, if I can somehow drum up that same enthusiasm I had as a teenager, convincing myself each day "This is temporary, it will get much better."



Just putting pen to paper, has its own catharsis. Maybe it will get better. Maybe this mess is just temporary. Now I have to turn those maybe's into it-will's.



Of course some have put me down, tried to drag me down, tried to convince me the adventure is over, I should "accept" my new lot in life and quit busying myself with foolish dreams.



But without my dreams, I have nothing. Maybe my dreams are a bit eccentric at times. Or maybe I'm just willing to make trade-offs to make them happen. Others think they are eccentric, but I think them realistic. So I keep right on dreaming. I keep focusing on making those dreams happen.



It seems every roadblock imaginable is being thrown my way, to force me to fall flat on my face, to fail at everything. Somehow, I keep climbing up over these hurdles, while praying for relief.



I'm not ready to give up the fight. Not yet. I am going to give it another go-round. See if I can't make my body straighten out and fly right.



When I land at my maker's doorstep one day, I hope I am scrambling hard, breathlessly saying "But I was so busy living life!" I sure don't want to arrive there saying "I did nothing" . Once I make it there, it's a one way trip, there is no coming back .
My motorhome. That's not my car. I don't have a car. This pictures was last winter. I had bought the motorhome, then found out in spite of it being always garaged before I bought it, the roof had a leak. My repairs had made it leak even worse. Yes, that can happen. I put this huge used tarp over it, then when it snowed, it still leaked. The tarp was so old, it was holy!  I was super sick while all this was happening and near freezing at night. But it got better. Eventually I got the roof fixed for good, the tarp was discarded and I got a mattress warmer to keep me snug at night. Things really do get better if you plug away each and every day.
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