Thursday, May 30, 2013

Not Guilty By Reason of Temporary Insanity

I am so confused.

This happened to me awhile back. I accidentally recorded this phone conversation. I guess I spazzed out when dialing out on the computer phone and hit the wrong button.

I found a mysterious file recently.  What the heck is this?

Turns out it was a recording.  It gave me such a laugh, I thought you might enjoy it.

This conversation is with someone I've known an awfully long time. I've known them for decades.

This person is not senile by any means. But they have a certain problem that I have delicately mentioned to them before.  They told me I was dead wrong, so I dropped the matter.

This conversation might prove me *ahem* right.

Amazing!  Me right?  About anything?

I am so used to being wrong about everything.

The problem?

My dear friend just can not answer a question.

Read through our transcribed phone conversation below.  See what you think.

Inquiring minds want to know...

I've put their part of the conversation in italics and mine in regular print.

After they answered I started off with: "Good morning!  How are you doing?"

"The cat is hungry."

"Oh, so you need to go feed the cat?  Do you want to call me back later when you can talk?"

"I'm looking for my hair brush."

"Oh I see you are busy. I'll make this quick, I was just calling to see if you would like to come to lunch this Sunday."

"I have an eye appointment tomorrow."

"OK, let's see, tomorrow is Wednesday. Are you getting new eyeglasses?"

"I need to buy some bluejeans, these are too long."

"Have you thought about getting them hemmed up?"

"Jeopardy comes on TV in ten minutes."

"Oh I see. OK, I better get off the phone. Well before I go, what about coming over for lunch on Sunday?  Would you like to do that? The weather is perfect this time of year, we could dine on the patio with a view of the lake.  I'd love to visit with you. Are you available?"

"The mailman just came."

"OK, I guess you need to go get the mail. But before I go, what about Sunday?  Do you want to come to lunch?"

"I need to write some checks."

"Oh well, that's always fun, sitting down to pay bills.  Well, I thought I would shop on Saturday. I know you love lasagna. I was thinking of making that on Sunday. Would you like to come to lunch?

"How much does it cost to hem bluejeans?"

"Um, I don't know. I've never had that done. You could just buy fabric glue and do it yourself since you don't sew."

"I can't find my envelopes."

"Well, if you're coming down for Sunday lunch, I can give you a stack of envelopes. Would that help?"

"Do you think it would be over ten dollars to hem my jeans?"

"Um, well, I just don't know. But I think I did see an "Alterations" sign near your house on the highway. Maybe you could stop by there and ask them.  It might help if you took the bluejeans with you so they could see them and pin them up."

"The mailman has driven by twice now, and both times skipped my mailbox."

"Perhaps you didn't have any mail today."

"I lost my umbrella. I think I left it at a restaurant. It was raining when I got there, but was dry when I left."

"Oh what a shame. Maybe they are holding it for you. Have you tried calling them or going by there?"

"I need to take a shower."

"Alright, well I've got things to do too. Um, what do you think about Sunday?  Can you make it for lunch?"

"The cat wants out."

"Alright, well, bye now. It was nice talking to you!"

"OK, bye."


I was a tad miffed. Good grief. You try to do something nice for somebody and they can't  be bothered with a simple yes or no or even mumbling I will think about it and let you know. Oddly enough, we didn't even speak on the phone the rest of the week.

So Saturday rolls around. I didn't go shopping. Why make lasagna for me alone?  I love leftovers, but why bother. I am still recuperating. I tire out easily.  No one is coming to lunch anyhow.

Sunday appears.  By mid day I am feeling kind of weak.  I figure maybe a nap will cure that. But first I slapped together a sandwich to eat for lunch. Then the puppy dog and I laid down for a nap.

In the midst of my pleasant dreams, I realize the dog is barking, someone is banging at the door and my phone is ringing. I struggle out of bed very confused.

The dog is barking wildly, I decide to forget the phone in order to check the door.

There stands my friend. I can see them through the window holding their phone. I open the door.

"Hi!  I was just calling you on your phone. When's lunch?  I'm starving.  Can't wait to try the lasagna."

I stared at my friend while my imagination ran wild. I wanted to commit the unthinkable crime.

Instead, I gritted my teeth, while silently counting to ninety-nine until the urge passed.

But can you imagine?

The what if?

The aftermath... the trial...

"Your Honorable Judge, I plead not guilty by reason of temporary insanity!"


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