Thursday, July 01, 2010

Time to Laugh and Other Ponderances

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on. '

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in mouse traps and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'

God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'


Bubba goes to the revival meeting and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Bubba gets in line.

When it's his turn, the preacher says, 'Bubba, what do you want me to pray about?'

Bubba says, 'Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.'

So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while.

After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, 'Bubba, how's your hearing now?'

Bubba says, 'I don't know, Preacher. It ain't until next Wednesday.'


Dog Ponderances...

Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

When we get to heaven, can we sit on the sofa, and the bed? Or is it still the same old story?

Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' to the ' Chrysler Beagle'?

If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths . What do humans understand?

Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

When I get to Heaven, do I get my testicles back?

12 Things for a Good Doggy to Know

1 . I will not eat the cat's food before they eat it or after they throw it up ..
2 . I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3 . The cat's litter box is not a cookie jar.
4 . The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5 . The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff .
6 . I will not play tug-of-war with your underwear while you are on the toilet .
7 . Sticking my nose into some human's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.
8 . I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
9 . I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
10 . I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
11 . I will not sit in the middle of the living room while company is around and lick my butt.
12 . The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, I'm being too rough ruff .


Question: How would you explain Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

An English princess
With an Egyptian boyfriend
Crashes in a French tunnel,
Riding in a German car
With a Dutch engine,
Driven by a Belgian who was drunk
On Scottish whisky,
Followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
On Japanese motorcycles;
Treated by an American doctor,
Using Brazilian medicines.
Fabio Piras, a Sardinian tourist, was given a one-week prison sentence for stealing a teddy bear, made in China, that a member of the public had put down among the flowers at St James's Palace as a tribute to Diana.
Her funeral drew worldwide television coverage.
This is posted here using American technology,
And you're reading this on your computer,
That uses Taiwanese chips,
And a Korean monitor,
Assembled by Bangladeshi workers
In a Singapore plant,
Transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
Hijacked by Indonesians,
Unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
And trucked to you by Mexicans.
That, is Globalization.

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